Let it Go
by chocolatequeen
Summary: After watching Sully leave, Booth is left wondering why he told her to go, and more importantly, why she stayed.


Title: Let It Go

Series: 206 Ways to Say "I Love You"

Rating: PG (Err… K+ that is.)

Author: Chocolatequeen

Spoilers: This week's ep and previews for next week.

Summary: After Booth and Brennan wave good-bye to Sully, he's left thinking about why he urged her to go, and more importantly, why she stayed.

The television screen was blank except for the logo from his DVD player bouncing across it. The movie had ended hours ago, but he was still up, staring at the screen. It was late; he should be in bed. He knew he had work in the morning, and even if he didn't have an open case at the moment, he still needed to be alert. But no matter how many times he told himself to get up off the couch and get some sleep, he just couldn't move.

_If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was._ That stupid phrase he'd seen on some sentimental plaque would not get out of his brain. It kept repeating, over and over, like a damned record with a scratch. He shifted slightly on the couch, hoping the change in position would help him think about something else, but it didn't. _Let it go, let it go, let it go…_

It wasn't the thought of loving her that had the quote running on a loop in his brain. He knew he loved her, he'd accepted that as fact months ago. Sure, he'd tried to avoid it, tried to put up barriers to keep her out, but somehow she'd gotten under his skin and he couldn't get her out.

He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair, not wanting to rehash the last six weeks but knowing his brain wouldn't let him sleep until he did. _So I let her go_. He'd let her go to Sully, okaying the relationship when his friend asked. He'd encouraged them both to not give up on each other, even though watching them together was… well, not exactly the most pleasant part of his day.

A grimace crossed his face. _Be honest Seeley, you hate seeing them together._ Some part of him, the part she'd call his alpha male tendencies, wanted to shout that she belonged to him, not Sully. There were times when he wanted to beat his friend over the head with a club and drag Bones off to his cave by her hair. Of course, just the thought of what she'd do to him if he did was enough to make him wince and keep his caveman impulses closely restrained.

Sure, he'd toyed with the idea of telling her how he felt… _For all of about five seconds, _he reminded himself. Then he had realized something that made him feel a little sick. She deserved better. She deserved more than someone who still fought his ghosts of war, someone with a gambling addiction, someone so messed up he shot at ice cream trucks. No one who knew him would ever believe that Seeley Booth had an insecure streak, but underneath all his confidence lurked a man who was acutely aware of how scarred he was, and who didn't believe anyone could really see past that.

And even though Bones hadn't shrunk away from anything he'd told her, there was still part of him that thought she deserved more than he could give. That was the part of him that stood by and watched his friend romance the woman he'd come to think of as his. That was the part of him that told her to go with him on his boat, to live wide.

He'd let her go. Why had she come back? This was the question keeping him awake tonight, staring at his blank television screen as if it held the answers to all of life's mysteries. He hadn't expected it. He'd fully thought she'd run away with Sully and leave him to face the darkness of the world alone. He'd wanted her to go even; wanted her to experience something more than just death, wanted her to not be alone anymore, wanted her to live wide.

But she'd stayed, and he couldn't figure out why. The saying said… _That damned saying…_ It said that if the thing you let go comes back, you know it's yours. _What the hell is that supposed to mean? Bones has never belonged to anyone and she sure isn't going to start now…_ He snorted, imagining her reaction if she were told she belonged to him. It was almost good enough to make him want to tell her that, just so he could see the sparks in her eyes… Almost.

The quote could be read another way though. He shifted again, this time from discomfort. He did not like where his mind was going, but he was helpless to stop it. It could mean that she'd chosen to come back because of him, to stay with him because she… _Whoa, stop right there Agent Booth. You do not want to go down that line of thought. Whatever feelings she might have for you are her secret, and it's better that way._ _Why are you so worked up about this anyway? She stayed, didn't she? You got your wish, even though you didn't ask her to. So what's the big deal?_

He rolled his eyes. _Great, now I'm talking to myself_. _The "big deal,"_ he replied, _is that I don't want her to stay for me. What if she does, and later regrets it? Is she going to resent me? In two weeks, is she going to wish she'd sailed off into the sunset with Sully? If she stayed for me, it's my responsibility to… I don't know, keep her happy. That's a tall order._

His fear faced, the exhaustion he'd kept at bay suddenly rolled over him in a wave. He rubbed his face wearily as he stumbled off to bed, one last thought in his mind before he fell asleep. _If she stayed for me, how can I possibly live up to that?_

**AN:** This is the first in a series I'm starting; called _206 Ways to Say "I Love You."_ I plan to write 206 one part stories, illustrating different moments in the BB relationship: moments from the show that scream out their feelings for anyone not too blind to see it, missing moments and post-episode moments that flesh out their feelings, or original moments I think fit the characters.

I'm planning to create a Livejournal account to archive them all. I'd like to have a good BB layout, so if anyone is talented in that area, please message me.


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